EMPLOYEE BENEFITS

RAISES -

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

1. If we see you are wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

3. If you dress in between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS-

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

LUNCH BREAKS-

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time it takes to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS-

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE-

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.

1. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the bulletin board under the "chronic offenders" category.

SURGERY-

As long as you are an employee here, you need all of your organs.

1. You should not consider removing anything.

2. We hired you intact.

3. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, aggravations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a good week and GET BACK TO WORK